why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
