why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize