Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
