he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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