i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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