I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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