i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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