I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
