I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Randomize
