I must be too annoying 4 u.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Randomize
