I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
This baby is an asshole
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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