i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
