My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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