I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Come see our sink grown plant.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Just pee around me
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
