i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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