I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize