I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
