I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
