I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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