Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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