i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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