I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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