He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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