Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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