i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
