its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
