I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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