You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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