He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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