guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
