She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
