He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize