I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
