When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
