Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize