ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
