How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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