I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
