dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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