I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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