i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
