just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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