I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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