apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
