i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
