i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
