My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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