even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
