Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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