i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
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