Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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