Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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