just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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