remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
At least make sure they are 18
Why
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Randomize
