i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
