Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
