The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Randomize
