Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
